Architects are open minded by nature. We’ll roll with the punches and work within all kinds of crazy ass restraints to facilitate a client’s project to reality. In addition, we have a great sense of humor- we’re like comedians who do great design but carry less baggage and harbor a lesser degree of a drinking problem. Don’t believe me? Get a bunch of architects in a room, give them some beer and watch the hilarity erupt. If the architects aren’t funny, tell them you have a 13 acre water front site and you’d like a home designed expressing the state of modernity per their beliefs. Further, tell them no interviews- last architect standing gets the project. Grab some skittles and watch the melee ensue. You win either way!
We architects are for your jocularity. Just look at the fees we get, if that’s not Comedy Central material I don’t know what is! We may not be as funny as a group of proctologists, but we run a close second (pun inserted (I think 2 puns))! However, as open minded and funny as we are, here are some things you’ll most likely never hear an architect utter:
1. Do these black shoes and black socks and black pants and black shirt and black sport jacket with darker black elbow patches and black tie and dark grey glasses make me look fat?
2. Trust me; I come here all the time. It’s not on the menu, but order the lobster encrusted lobster with a side of prime rib encrusted lobster!
3. You could use some more furniture in this space.
4. Design? Oh yeah, that’s easy.
5. I think that white is just too white. Can we select a less white than that white but not as white?
6. Per Code? Of course; we only have to adhere to 4,867 different applicable code books and amendments.
7. I think shag carpet is an awesome choice for the mud room!
8. We don’t expect the GC to read the notes; they’re just boilerplate from our last project.
9. Mies, Mies, Mies! That’s all I hear all day long. He can’t even spell house but I’m supposed to take his work seriously? Why not just say we’ll make walls of glass, crazy talk I say, crazy talk!
10. No, don’t be silly…I’d love to have your nephews’ friend who once took a technical drafting class at a community college 15 years ago review my design and offer suggestions…give me the address and I’ll forward the drawings.
11. Open plan? What’s that?
12. Oh, the interior designer prefers vinyl siding? We’ll just tell the contractor to remove the cedar rain-screen and slap some vinyl up, no worries; it won’t affect the aesthetic at all.
13. I don’t really have a strong belief one way or the other.
14. Pilotis? Seriously Corbu? No foundation detailing classes in your education? What a tool!
15. I’m sorry I’m late, the Panamera is in the shop and I had to take the slower Rapide.
16. We’re going to submit for permit tomorrow, any questions…what’s that? Oh, you want the family room on the other side now, an indoor pool, another bedroom, a larger kitchen, and an additional office- all within the current square footage and no additional fee to us? Sure, we’ll have it tomorrow. Anything else?
17. I wish we had more responsibilities.
18. You want to terminate the contract now and have the GC build from the Schematic Design? Sure, I’m good with that, as long as you don’t pay me.
19. Frank just wasn’t trying. He could’ve sited the house away from the water, lazy bastard!
20. No problem, it’s on the CAD machines, it’s easy to revise the entire project.
21. Oh I’m with you on that. I find builder designed tract houses to be an apt reflection on the way we live today and our needs. Besides, brick and vinyl siding abutting in a ‘J channel’ is awesome!
22. No, no, no. That fee is too high, we can do it for half that.
So as an architect, what won’t you say?
** Sort of in the words, but not really, of the late Henny Youngman- “Take my Architecture… Please!”